If you’ve made your childfree choice after much careful thought and guidance from The Baby Decision, then is it normal to sometimes feel sad about not getting to be a parent, or should you not trust your choice?
As part of my popular “Ask Merle” series, I offer this advice:
…
By Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW
…
Q: If I’m sometimes sad about not getting to be a mother, does that mean I can’t trust my childfree choice? 🤔
…
My partner and I decided a few months ago to be childfree. We are relieved to have an answer. Our family and friends, even the ones who questioned our decision, are now excited for us. Every few days, the decision feels even more solid.
But I’m taken aback by how sad I sometimes get about this. I can be taken by surprise, like when a friend who planned to be childfree tells me she’s accidentally pregnant but excited about it! Or like when I woke up from a dream in which my partner and I were hiking with a three year-old on our favorite trail in the woods.
Help! Did I make the wrong decision?
…
Merle’s answer: Feelings of loss are normal & temporary
…
As I wrote in The Baby Decision, the word decide comes from the Latin root meaning to cut away from. Every decision involves loss. Once you make a choice to parent or be childfree, it’s only human to think about what you’ll be missing.
Had you decided to become a mother while trying to get pregnant or beginning to pursue adoption, you would be grieving different things — like perhaps a loss of identity, leisurely weekends, and spur-of-the-moment travel plans.
I’ve found in my clinical practice that childfree women vary in whether they grieve motherhood at all, and in the intensity of that grief. Women who have known since childhood that they never want to be a parent might not feel any grief at all about their decision. Or they might have an occasional fleeting thought of something they might have enjoyed about parenthood. For these people, even a mention that they might need to grieve can be as insulting as it is inaccurate.
People who have endured devastating infertility and pregnancy loss or are childfree by circumstance — such as not finding a partner or having a partner who wants to be childfree — tend to have the strongest feelings of loss about not getting to be parents. This grief may include anger at their circumstances and possibly at their partner as well as sadness about their own loss.
The third category of grief is the one I would say you fit into: you carefully and freely chose to be childfree. It is the best decision for you and your partner. You may be at 70/30 on the decision scale, and the 30% of you that would have liked to be a parent may still have some things to say to you about this decision. Whether in dream imagery or a sudden catch in your throat at a baby announcement, knowing that your thoughts and feelings are normal should reassure you.
…
How to manage FOMO and feelings of loss:
…
You may be wondering how to manage these feelings of doubt, loss, or fear of missing out. For one, you can talk to your partner and other loved ones or professionals about what you will miss most about not having a child. You might even want to write a letter to the child you will never know, or do a ritual to say goodbye to them. Throughout this process, understand that these feelings are likely temporary.
To get extra reassurance, I would encourage you to return to the empty chair technique from my book, and have a conversation between the part of yourself that is saying “hey wait a minute — let’s have a child” and the part that has already chosen to be childfree. In this dialog, I think it will be very clear to you that childfree is the right choice for you and that you just need to honor that other voice by listening and respecting it.
As a barometer for how these feelings are affecting your decision, you can revisit the decision scale. Perhaps some of the declarations around you have jolted you to feel differently about parenting even for a moment. Notice that even if you move slightly more towards parenting during these thoughts of grief, you likely still remain more than 50/50 towards being childfree.
Please note, the reason to reconsider your decision would be if you were finding yourself more attracted to the other choice most of the time. This would be a red flag.
The exercises mentioned here can help you feel more confident!
…
TBD readers, have you had similar questions and worries?
…
Does something I’ve said above resonate with you about sometimes feeling sad and unable to trust your childfree decision? Have you thought of some other things that helped you navigate concerns around staying childfree or becoming a parent? Either way, you’re welcome to reach out and let me know via any of the contact links below. I’d love to hear from you!
What other questions can I help you address? How can I help you make the right choice for you? Reach out to me via my online contact form, or in our private Facebook group The Decision Café, or on any of my social media pages: Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter/X.
…
Want to learn more?
…
I will be writing more about feelings of loss, FOMO, and other timely baby decision considerations in my new book, expected in 2026. You can preview some of these topics and techniques if you subscribe to my free, bi-monthly email newsletter. In each issue, I’ll share a sneak peek excerpt that only newsletter readers can see! So if you haven’t yet, be sure to subscribe now here.
After you’ve done that, I invite you to catch up on my previous baby decision blog posts here.
– Merle
Photo above by Mitchell Luo, Unsplash