Every two months in our free, bi-monthly newsletter for VIP subscribers, Merle answers a reader’s question. This time, she answers two questions! Both are below.
At the end of this post, you will also find a link to other recent “Ask Merle” columns.
Q: Can I start working on the decision before I meet my partner?
I’m single and 33 and hoping to find a partner. But this decision is very much on my mind. Is there a way that I can start working on the baby decision now? Of course, my future partner’s wishes will be crucial, but I want to take stock of my own thoughts and feelings now. I don’t want to start from scratch when I meet someone special, and we start talking seriously about our future.
Note: If you are single and thinking of having or adopting a child on your own, see Merle’s book, The Baby Decision.
Answer: Yes! Here’s why it makes sense to do this work now.
This is a great question and a great proactive idea. Seeking a partner can feel out of your control some control. But you can exercise significant control by preparing ahead of time for that big “Do We Want a Kid?” conversation when the two of you get serious about your future.
Of course, your future partner is currently a missing part of the equation. You won’t tell your partner what to decide. They will have full voting power during your joint decision-making process. But both of you will benefit from the knowledge that you have already gathered about yourself and about parenting and childfree living in general.
Another good reason for starting now: discovering which choice you’re tilting toward could influence your search for your ideal partner. For instance, if you’re pretty sure you want to be childfree and looking for partners online, you will want to use an app that caters to confirmed childfree people. If you lean toward parenthood, you can say that in your profile. Even if you hear from fewer people, they’ll be the ones who share your values and time frame.
Some women make it clear they’re looking for someone who wants to start a family soon. While that may mean fewer matches happen, the ones that do will be with like-minded partners. “I couldn’t afford to waste time on someone who might drag his feet,” said one new mother who posted recently on social media about how making her wishes known on an app led to her husband and pregnancy.
Taking stock of your current situation:
If you’re like many of the single women I work with who are hoping for a partner and maybe a child, you may have a host of feelings about your situation. Before tackling the logistics of decision-making, it might be helpful to look at the big picture of your life, doing this with compassionate and curious eyes.
You may be content with most of your life such as your living space, your career, friends, and family. But you may feel unsettled that the partner and parenting pieces of your life puzzle are still missing. Even if you wind up deciding to be childfree, you would like to have things resolved and get on with your life.
For many of you, the worst thing about not knowing is the time pressure, the biological clock that you are facing. If you think that you’d like to have a child, you may wonder whether your new partner — even if they want a family with you — would be willing to start trying quickly enough for your fertility window to still be open.
Common emotions are disappointment, grief, envy, looking at past relationships and decisions with self-recriminations, anger at ex-partners who may have let you down.
Moment of reflection:
Take a moment to sit quietly, or walk outdoors, take a few breaths, and reflect. Can you relate to any of these feelings? What comes to mind? You might jot a few thoughts in a notebook or dictate in your phone.
Consider:
Has a recent birthday been difficult?
Did you break up with a partner who you thought you might have a child with?
Have you gotten tired of baby announcements and pregnant bellies?
Give yourself some time to reflect.
What thoughts and feelings do you have about your single, childless/childfree status?
Take time if you need it. Or if you prefer, you can set this section aside. You can still go ahead with the decision-making steps below, and you can return to the Reflection Prompt later if you choose.
Remedies: What if anything, has already helped? Who and what might help now?
- Caring family and friends who can listen compassionately. Depending on what you need or ask for, they sometimes encourage, or sometime just offer their quiet, loving presence.
- Medical practitioners who have said you still have time.
- Getting a fertility test.
- Role models of happy women in their forties—both childfree and parenting. For instance, you may have a friend who married in her late 30s or 40s and is raising a child.
- Psychotherapists, coaches, mentors, spiritual advisers.*
* Please refer to the appendix in The Baby Decision for ways to find and evaluate potential psychotherapists, including whether to continue with them or find someone else.
So now that you have honored your emotions and your history, you’re ready to roll up your sleeves. Here’s how to tackle this decision before meeting your partner.
1. Do the self-reflection exercises in The Baby Decision. I urge you to read the book in its entirety. However, I want you to approach the exercises in the “Secret Doors” chapter differently than you do the rest of the book. When you do the exercises, try to focus exclusively on yourself. When you meet your partner and start planning your future together, that will be the right time to take into consideration their ideas and leanings on the topic. Based on that information, you will be able to make a final decision that makes the most sense for you as a couple, while honoring the personal wishes that you have already discovered on your own.
In contrast, as you read the rest of the book, feel free to keep your imagined potential partner in mind. If you are attracted to both choices, and feel as if you could go either way, you might be comfortable letting your partner’s leanings tip the scale.
If, on the other hand, you lean more strongly toward one decision than the other, you might decide that you would only get involved with someone who is open to your choice.
2. Research the topic and reflect on your childhood. Read books like Childfree by Choice by Amy Blackstone, and check out websites like creatingafamily.org, reddit fencesitter, and truechildfree Also ask trusted friends if they’re willing to talk to you about how they choose to be parents or childfree.
Reflect on your childhood and family experience. If you have a psychotherapist or an insightful friend, you might include them in this analysis. How has your upbringing — both positive and negative experiences — influenced your thinking of whether you would like to model your approaches to marriage and childrearing on your parents’ behavior or on quite different models? Or has it had the opposite effect? It’s useful to consider your relationships with each parent if you had two parents. Were you and your siblings treated equally? These questions may be useful for healing difficult experiences, as well as for family planning.
This review will be useful even if you and your partner wind up childfree by choice or circumstance. Your vision of a positive relationship will help you enjoy the uninterrupted closeness you have.
3. Picture your partner. Based on the work you did in steps one and two, do you have a fuller picture in mind of your ideal partner in terms of personality and strengths? Will this make a difference in how you search for them in person and online?
Take pride in your brave and thorough work. You are now prepared for efficient and exciting conversations with your new partner once you find each other.
Q: How can I know if my decision to parent is truly my own?
I’m pretty confident in my interest in motherhood. Even before I met my partner, I assumed I would have a child someday. But he is a lot more certain than I am. When I bring up my doubts and fears, he means well but he’s so quick with reassurances that I’m not sure he’s really hearing me.
And I also worry about pronatalist social pressures and those from parents, other family, and friends. Have we drunk the Kool-Aid we should be spitting out?
Answer: Make the childfree choice your default.
You are smart to ask this question. Even with more acceptance of childfree choice these days, too many people are still sliding into parenthood because “that’s what everybody does.”
My advice for you is in four parts:
1. In my current coaching work and forthcoming book, Baby or Childfree, I’m excited to advocate a new, radical approach to parenthood decision-making: make the childfree choice the new default!
Let’s begin considering parenting as something to do only if you have a powerful desire, and only with full awareness of the stresses involved: the workload, the exhaustion, the frustration, the emotional extremes, and if you have a partner, the couple conflict. Or loneliness if you don’t. Find childfree role models by listening to podcasts, reading Childfree by Choice by Amy Blackstone, and visiting Reddit’s chat groups r/truechildfree and reddit fencesitter. {refer readers here to the same resources list I’m compiling for the first question}.
2. Get people off your back. Read The Baby Decision chapter “In and Out of the Pressure Cooker.”
Tell family and friends that although you know they are trying to help, their input is distracting you from your own reflections and conversations with your partner, if you have one. If these people continue to comment during this conversation or in a future one, say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” If they continue, say, “I’m ending this conversation. Please respect my needs.” Then hang up or walk out of the room.
If someone like a parent/future grandparent has been relentlessly hounding you, despite your best efforts at boundary setting, you might try some journal writing about this to clarify your feelings and consult a therapist or other third party on other strategies for silencing the bullying. A head’s up: you may also need to silence them in your own head where they have invaded your thoughts. Quieting those inner voices may make it easier to apply new strategies in flesh-and-blood conversations with the people who are pressuring you.
If your partner is constantly pushing you to say “Yes,” while you’re still not ready, you might ask for a one or two-week moratorium on couple conversations so you can concentrate on your own thoughts.
You can also ask for the input of people who know you well, and are not pressuring you at all, such as a therapist or a good friend or wise family member, whether they think you’re truly attracted to motherhood, and not just caving to pressure. This might be very reassuring.
3. To get a deeper sense of your own longings for parenthood or childfree living, do exercises in The Baby Decision such as “Photo Album,” “Visons of Baby,” “Monster,” “Dream Child” and “Chair Dialogue.”
Do the exercises separately. Even if you and your partner choose to listen to the audio versions of both books together—especially the introductory chapters— it is crucial that you each do the first round of exercises on your own. This enables you to go inside your reflective, discerning self, focusing only on your own answers. Write or dictate notes that you can share and compare with each other after making your own deep discoveries.
4. Analyze communication patterns.
Would you say that your partner tends to dominate your relationship? Does he or she make more decisions and speak more forcefully than you do, or make or veto most of your decisions? If so, this process may be challenging for you. Disagreement or any discrepancy in your values may feel scary or confusing.
If this is a major problem in your relationship, seek a couples’ therapist or coach to help you set boundaries and ground rules for fair conversations. Make sure these are rules that you both feel comfortable with.
If your partner cannot offer you the freedom and respect you need, this is a red flag. In this case, your partner is not someone to have a child with yet, since the problem will only worsen under the stresses of parenting.
It is better to work on strengthening and enjoying your relationship, something that couples therapy or relationship coaching can help you accomplish. Then you’ll be ready for better conversations about parenthood decision-making.
Note to readers:
Are you considering parenthood or childfree living and sharing these concerns? We welcome you to share your stories or suggestions in our Facebook group called “The Decision Café” — hosted by Merle and Katie Wilson.
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