In every newsletter issue, Merle answers one reader’s question.
At the end of this post, you will also find a link to a popular past “Ask Merle” column, “Should we read The Baby Decision alone or together?”
Kendra asks:
“Do I have to give up my identity if I become a mother? Will having a baby turn me into someone I won’t recognize and don’t want to be? I do want to be a mother, but I don’t want to lose myself. And I can’t stand ‘Mommy Culture!’ How can I deal with this?”
Kendra explains what prompted these questions:
“My partner and I have decided to start a family. But somehow, I still haven’t had my IUD removed. Last week, the conversations at my sister-in-law Jenn’s baby shower absolutely terrified me. My mother-in-law repeatedly addressed Jenn as ‘Mommy,’ not once saying her name. And Jenn’s friends were just as bad. They started every sentence with ‘Now that you are going to be a Mommy…’ and ended with phrases like:
‘…you’ll give up everything else’ and
‘…you’ll leave your old life behind, but don’t worry! You won’t miss it.’
“I’m a college administrator, writer, runner, and environmental volunteer. I don’t want to lose these facets of myself. My husband is committed to sharing the workload and recognizing those other identities. And I have some great role models, friends who managed to keep their work identity and other interests during their first years of parenthood.
“But I’m still scared. Not only my in-laws—but also some friends and co-workers—have drunk the mommy culture Kool-Aid. They’re following “momfluencers” on social media and showing their own photos of smiling, perfectly dressed babies in immaculate living rooms. What happened to the person they used to be?”
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Merle answers:
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I understand your concerns — becoming a mother is a huge life transition. Some women appreciate all the ways in which the upcoming changes are celebrated, while others feel anxious. I want to reassure you that you can preserve your identity and also avoid losing yourself in Mommy Culture pressure if that isn’t what you want.
I would like to offer you some specific actions to take now and while pregnant that will empower you. With these actions you may still be scared—motherhood is a new experience, and there is a lot that will still be unknown as it unfolds. But by engaging in these specific actions, hopefully you’ll have more confidence that you won’t disappear.
Let’s take the parts of your question one by one:
1. Do I have to give up my identity to become a mother?
Answer: No. You will add your new identity as mother to the intact identity that is still yours to keep! Doing this can sometimes feel like a challenge, but it’s possible when you know how to preserve your essential self.
2. Will having a baby turn me into someone I won’t recognize and don’t want to be?
Answer: No. You will still recognize yourself. Your essence, your personality, your career skills, running skills, values, interests, and talents don’t disappear when you go into labor. You might imagine them in a treasure chest that neither the baby nor the act of caring for your baby will take away. You may choose to bring some aspects of your permanent, already existing identity to parenting.
For example, your capacity for love and compassion for your partner and friends will enable you to tend to your baby. Your ability to set goals and plan will enable you to arrange delightful family outings and to arrange time away from the baby to go for a run, or bring your computer to a coffee shop to do some work. You can also buy a jogger stroller and experience the joy of running while with your baby. Most babies love the ride!
You actually will see some new parts of yourself that you won’t recognize from the past.
For example, your creativity and responsiveness to your baby as you parent with your partner. One of the benefits of having a child is that it brings new meaning and growth to you, your partner, and the baby as well. You might enjoy these changes, and they won’t erase your basic self.
And as Chelsea Conoby writes in The Mother Brain (see our latest post “New and Noteworthy Books”), you will experience hormonal and brain changes in response to pregnancy. Recent neuroscience research shows that even your husband’s brain will change in response to holding and caring for the baby. It seems that these changes make both of you more attentive and responsive to your child. But the changes don’t erase the rest of you!
Just as the sun exists even when you can’t see it at night, your essential self still exists even in the moments when interacting with your baby claims 100% of your energy.
3. How can I avoid the pressure of Mommy Culture?
Answer: It seems to me that there are various aspects of Mommy Culture:
The Cult of Motherhood. This is the idea — which clearly strikes terror in your heart — that once you’re a mother, your sole purpose is to care for your child. In this cult, working or even going for a run is considered selfish, even if you need to work to put food on the table. It implies that your life before motherhood was only the prelude to your One True Purpose — Motherhood.
Perfectionism and competition. Instagram posts that create illusions of immaculate homes and babies in spotless expensive clothes without vomit or beet stains on them make IRL mothers feel like failures. Of course, these Super Moms make organic baby food from scratch. Often these influencers make vast amounts of money by “recommending” products they convince their followers to buy. Some ex-influencers have confessed that they felt lonely, pressured, and inauthentic. (See Jessica Grose’s Screaming on the Inside in “Recommended New Books.”)
Unsupportive “support groups,” which are full of rejections or judgment of people who make different choices about breastfeeding, staying at home, or other parenting issues.
My explanation of this, Kendra, is that American motherhood is impossible, as Grose writes, because of the lack of physical, emotional, and even medical support. Some mothers of young children miss the stimulation, status, and financial rewards of work. They create a cult of motherhood to feel important and to have a sense of purpose.
Instead of acknowledging loneliness, depression, envy of their partners’ and childfree friends’ freedom to be out in the world — which would result in mutual empathy and intimacy — these mothers aim for perfection instead of the pleasure that motherhood and caring connections to other mothers can potentially provide.
How to stop people from calling you “Mommy”
I’m giving you two versions: a completely blunt one and a more diplomatic one.
The pull-no-punches mantra: Use this with friends and acquaintances.
“Please don’t ever call me ‘Mommy’ if you didn’t come out of my body! My name is Kendra, and I expect you to call me that. I can be a good mother and still have a name, a personality, and a life.”
The diplomatic mantra: Use this version with people like your in-laws or your employer to protect yourself from future negative consequences.
“I’m glad that you are excited for me, thanks. And I am looking forward to motherhood. I know you mean well, but please understand that hearing the word Mommy, coming from someone who is not my child, makes me uncomfortable. Please call me by my name.”
Mothers-to-be shouldn’t have to advocate for themselves at a vulnerable time during pregnancy or adoption. But they have to do this because society ignores their needs.
Actions to take now, even before you are pregnant and during pregnancy:
- Talk with your partner, family, friends, and co-workers about your concerns. Tell them that they can make an enormous difference by talking to you about your other interests and activities, not just parenting.
- Even before your child comes, plan for time away from the baby while your partner or others care for her. You need that time to experience yourself as a complete and separate being, not just as your child’s mother. You can use that time to hike with a childfree friend, run, write, and do other activities that use the other non-mother selves that are still part of you.
- Ask your role models to share strategies that worked for them that they think are relevant for you. See my blogpost, “Making it Fair” for some ways to talk to potential role models, and for a reading list of books that offer helpful examples of being a mother and a person, too.
- Visit the reddit chat group “r/Fencesitter” for some excellent discussion threads by women who are balancing motherhood with their other roles.
- Look for wholesome parenting groups that are the opposite of judgmental, that offer compassion and caring. You might find them by asking friends or trusted therapists or medical people you encounter while pregnant. The reddit group “r/NewParents” offers a place to tell it like it is and receive help from slightly more experienced parents. Community centers, adult education schools, churches, mosques, temples, adoption agencies, and family service agencies are other sources of support.
You might also look for or start your own mothers’ group such as “moms who run,” a reading group for feminist and or satirical or dystopian motherhood books, families for environmental change, and so on.
In sharing the unique experience of motherhood with like-minded people, you may wind up with friends for life.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
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Notes to readers:
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Are you considering motherhood and sharing Kendra’s concerns? If you are already a mother, how are you managing? If you decided to be childfree, were identity concerns a major reason for your choice? How can I help you make the right choice for you? Please send me an email at merle [at] thebabydecision [at] dot com, or use this website’s contact form.
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– Merle Bombardieri
Photo on this page by Lucas Favre on Unsplash.com
